Dear ___?

I was almost there. I was so close to being done with this mess. I felt whole again and boy was it wonderful. For the first time in months, maybe a year, I could see the future clearly, I believed I had a future. I was no longer surprised that I had made it this far. I was ready to never feel surprised about waking up in the morning. Then....Then I don't know what happened.

Relapse. Total and utter relapse. Square one, game over, restart. Out of remission, enter malignant stage.

Maybe my remission was a fluke. A simple, easily explained fluke brought on by discovering a place I could possibly belong. A beautiful university in Scotland, far from all of this... It's perfect. Brimming with history, it's 600 years old, set near the coast in a stunning medieval setting. And it was attainable too. I could do it I could make it there. Get accepted to a mediocre university in Michigan and I'm there. I was filled with love, a new love of a place I've never visited but a place where I've known since I was young that I would be happy. Why the past tense? Why am I using past tense when I know full well that I could achieve my dream? I think...I think I lost faith. Again. Faith in myself. I lost faith that I can continue on my chosen path or any path for that matter.

I envy people who have faith. Any type of faith, faith in a deity, faith in another person, faith in themselves. I have a complete lack of faith. I don't need to believe in a deity, I'm far too cynical for that. But I envy those who have someone else they can put their faith in. I...I envy their ability to trust. I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm unable. It's not "I won't trust" it's "I can't trust". I can't trust therefore I can't have faith which means I can't.....I just can't. I want to, I need to find someone I can put all of my trust in but there aren't any in sight. I picture it in my head and all I see is me divulging everything to them and them leaving me. Again... I can't have that happen again, it would be too much I would break. I would fall and be crushed and never get back up. People who read this might claim that they're trustworthy, they can handle it, but... I don't have faith in that... because I can't trust...

Which brings me back to you. You, the one who left me this way. I think I hate you. But, I don't want to admit that because I believe to truly hate someone you first have to love them and I don't want to love you. You have proved yourself undeserving yet it remains. Die? Please? Something. I hope your new love crushes your heart and then you realize you're gay. Perfect solution. It'll never happen. That was immature I apologize. But I meant every word. Karma karma karma...

Mania. I might be insane. Distinct possibility.

This is circular. Cyclical. Once you're in a circle, how do you get out? Going round a track you never reach the end. Now what....jump it? How? Or maybe you walk around and around and around until you've worn down the path and reached China? China is far enough away, maybe I'll go there. Scotland would be optimal though.

Maybe I'm just tired. Weary, worn down from constantly thinking about this. I want to leave this town. Skip the next two years, jump forward to the future I already have planned. This is just fluff. Unnecessary fluff.

Digression.

Love is a latent blood virus. First, you feel fine. Better even. But then the virus becomes active. It rips you apart from the inside. It hurts all over and doesn't fade. But what's the cure? Another, more powerful virus? What happens when that one goes active?

On track.

I want to get better. I really do. But I don't know how. I know I need to leave this town. I need to start again. I don't need to endure two more years I don't think I can.

A Theme Deviation

"Near To You" -A Fine Frenzy

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.