Um...come back in two weeks? Kthxbai.
Schedule for Friday is as follows...
7:11am Breakfast Club
9:15am Donate blood
10:30am Precalc quiz on trigonometric functions D:
11:45am Art History quiz
3:30pm One Act Meeting
3:30pm Italian
6:30 call for Once Upon a Mattress
Schedule for Thursday makes this stuff a problem...
8:25-11:05am Class
11:05-6:30pm Intense study session. Massive amounts of information need to be ingested an comprehended. Like, all trigonometric functions, 80 or so images for art history, plus vocabulary terms and central and basilican church plans.
6:30-10pm? Once Upon A Mattress. So, little sleep for the craziness that will ensue on Friday.
Ack. This uh...won't be fun. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight. After I finish writing a page of bullshit for American history. Oh right, I just remembered, I need to have all 44 presidents memorized by Friday also. Huzzah.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Dear Puppeteer,
I wish more people could see who you really are. You are cold and you are manipulative. I watched that tonight, in that little microcosm I saw it, plain as day. And I saw how no one else did. They were amused little sheep and you were the crafty herder.
It was an impressive display don't get me wrong. But how can you justify that? In a game, it's fine, that's what that game is all about, but that isn't where it ends with you. It's cruel to continue playing a game after the game has finished and people no longer know they are playing.
You are the puppet master and they are the puppets. With a twitch of the line they dance, a sharp tug and they fall. You place yourself above people. In your own mind, you are above others. You watch as they swirl and tumble and you nudge them, here and there. You play God. How can you do that? How do you not see the cruelty? There is no reason to be that way. I've no objection to you sitting above people, watching, but when you intervene and push them to do your bidding, that I have a problem with.
Consider someone other than yourself once. Only once. And imagine yourself in their position.
It was an impressive display don't get me wrong. But how can you justify that? In a game, it's fine, that's what that game is all about, but that isn't where it ends with you. It's cruel to continue playing a game after the game has finished and people no longer know they are playing.
You are the puppet master and they are the puppets. With a twitch of the line they dance, a sharp tug and they fall. You place yourself above people. In your own mind, you are above others. You watch as they swirl and tumble and you nudge them, here and there. You play God. How can you do that? How do you not see the cruelty? There is no reason to be that way. I've no objection to you sitting above people, watching, but when you intervene and push them to do your bidding, that I have a problem with.
Consider someone other than yourself once. Only once. And imagine yourself in their position.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Dear Reader,
I am a coward. I was tagged one of those chain notes on facebook, you know the kind. I thought, hey, neat concept, but I lack the courage to actually post 16 things people don't know about me because they don't know them because I don't want them to. Oh well.
Dear sporadic reader,
I hope you enjoy reading these things few people know.
1. I have no faith. In anyone or anything. Living without faith is not an enjoyable thing and I am trying desperately to correct this.
2. TWLOHA Day only makes me more depressed. It's....it seems like a fad. How many people actually take the time to think about what it truly means. Writing love on your arm means almost nothing. It's a cute reminder but the marker or pen or whatever washes away and nothing is accomplished.
3. I am terribly afraid of falling in love again. I feel like if it happens again soon, I'll run away. As far as I can, just so I won't be hurt again.
4. I hate being alone.
5. I also hate how much of a hypocrite I can be.
6. I don't think I ever want children. I am too afraid that I won't love them or they won't love me or they'll grow up to be horrible little people.
7. I love teaching. I love it I love it I love it. I love the rush of joy I recieve from helping a child grasp a new concept.
8. My ultimate dream in life, is to start a refugee school for young children in the Middle East with their families. The school would be somewhere in Europe, Scotland hopefully :D, and I could then teach and help many many people. It would be beautiful. It's unlikely, but...I enjoy spending time in that daydream.
9. I am terrified of next year, when all of my close friends are gone. I don't know who I'll call when I need to be with someone I don't know who I'll talk to about things....It won't be fun....
10. I don't dare post more.
Dear sporadic reader,
I hope you enjoy reading these things few people know.
1. I have no faith. In anyone or anything. Living without faith is not an enjoyable thing and I am trying desperately to correct this.
2. TWLOHA Day only makes me more depressed. It's....it seems like a fad. How many people actually take the time to think about what it truly means. Writing love on your arm means almost nothing. It's a cute reminder but the marker or pen or whatever washes away and nothing is accomplished.
3. I am terribly afraid of falling in love again. I feel like if it happens again soon, I'll run away. As far as I can, just so I won't be hurt again.
4. I hate being alone.
5. I also hate how much of a hypocrite I can be.
6. I don't think I ever want children. I am too afraid that I won't love them or they won't love me or they'll grow up to be horrible little people.
7. I love teaching. I love it I love it I love it. I love the rush of joy I recieve from helping a child grasp a new concept.
8. My ultimate dream in life, is to start a refugee school for young children in the Middle East with their families. The school would be somewhere in Europe, Scotland hopefully :D, and I could then teach and help many many people. It would be beautiful. It's unlikely, but...I enjoy spending time in that daydream.
9. I am terrified of next year, when all of my close friends are gone. I don't know who I'll call when I need to be with someone I don't know who I'll talk to about things....It won't be fun....
10. I don't dare post more.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Dear ___?
I was almost there. I was so close to being done with this mess. I felt whole again and boy was it wonderful. For the first time in months, maybe a year, I could see the future clearly, I believed I had a future. I was no longer surprised that I had made it this far. I was ready to never feel surprised about waking up in the morning. Then....Then I don't know what happened.
Relapse. Total and utter relapse. Square one, game over, restart. Out of remission, enter malignant stage.
Maybe my remission was a fluke. A simple, easily explained fluke brought on by discovering a place I could possibly belong. A beautiful university in Scotland, far from all of this... It's perfect. Brimming with history, it's 600 years old, set near the coast in a stunning medieval setting. And it was attainable too. I could do it I could make it there. Get accepted to a mediocre university in Michigan and I'm there. I was filled with love, a new love of a place I've never visited but a place where I've known since I was young that I would be happy. Why the past tense? Why am I using past tense when I know full well that I could achieve my dream? I think...I think I lost faith. Again. Faith in myself. I lost faith that I can continue on my chosen path or any path for that matter.
I envy people who have faith. Any type of faith, faith in a deity, faith in another person, faith in themselves. I have a complete lack of faith. I don't need to believe in a deity, I'm far too cynical for that. But I envy those who have someone else they can put their faith in. I...I envy their ability to trust. I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm unable. It's not "I won't trust" it's "I can't trust". I can't trust therefore I can't have faith which means I can't.....I just can't. I want to, I need to find someone I can put all of my trust in but there aren't any in sight. I picture it in my head and all I see is me divulging everything to them and them leaving me. Again... I can't have that happen again, it would be too much I would break. I would fall and be crushed and never get back up. People who read this might claim that they're trustworthy, they can handle it, but... I don't have faith in that... because I can't trust...
Which brings me back to you. You, the one who left me this way. I think I hate you. But, I don't want to admit that because I believe to truly hate someone you first have to love them and I don't want to love you. You have proved yourself undeserving yet it remains. Die? Please? Something. I hope your new love crushes your heart and then you realize you're gay. Perfect solution. It'll never happen. That was immature I apologize. But I meant every word. Karma karma karma...
Mania. I might be insane. Distinct possibility.
This is circular. Cyclical. Once you're in a circle, how do you get out? Going round a track you never reach the end. Now what....jump it? How? Or maybe you walk around and around and around until you've worn down the path and reached China? China is far enough away, maybe I'll go there. Scotland would be optimal though.
Maybe I'm just tired. Weary, worn down from constantly thinking about this. I want to leave this town. Skip the next two years, jump forward to the future I already have planned. This is just fluff. Unnecessary fluff.
Digression.
Love is a latent blood virus. First, you feel fine. Better even. But then the virus becomes active. It rips you apart from the inside. It hurts all over and doesn't fade. But what's the cure? Another, more powerful virus? What happens when that one goes active?
On track.
I want to get better. I really do. But I don't know how. I know I need to leave this town. I need to start again. I don't need to endure two more years I don't think I can.
Relapse. Total and utter relapse. Square one, game over, restart. Out of remission, enter malignant stage.
Maybe my remission was a fluke. A simple, easily explained fluke brought on by discovering a place I could possibly belong. A beautiful university in Scotland, far from all of this... It's perfect. Brimming with history, it's 600 years old, set near the coast in a stunning medieval setting. And it was attainable too. I could do it I could make it there. Get accepted to a mediocre university in Michigan and I'm there. I was filled with love, a new love of a place I've never visited but a place where I've known since I was young that I would be happy. Why the past tense? Why am I using past tense when I know full well that I could achieve my dream? I think...I think I lost faith. Again. Faith in myself. I lost faith that I can continue on my chosen path or any path for that matter.
I envy people who have faith. Any type of faith, faith in a deity, faith in another person, faith in themselves. I have a complete lack of faith. I don't need to believe in a deity, I'm far too cynical for that. But I envy those who have someone else they can put their faith in. I...I envy their ability to trust. I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm unable. It's not "I won't trust" it's "I can't trust". I can't trust therefore I can't have faith which means I can't.....I just can't. I want to, I need to find someone I can put all of my trust in but there aren't any in sight. I picture it in my head and all I see is me divulging everything to them and them leaving me. Again... I can't have that happen again, it would be too much I would break. I would fall and be crushed and never get back up. People who read this might claim that they're trustworthy, they can handle it, but... I don't have faith in that... because I can't trust...
Which brings me back to you. You, the one who left me this way. I think I hate you. But, I don't want to admit that because I believe to truly hate someone you first have to love them and I don't want to love you. You have proved yourself undeserving yet it remains. Die? Please? Something. I hope your new love crushes your heart and then you realize you're gay. Perfect solution. It'll never happen. That was immature I apologize. But I meant every word. Karma karma karma...
Mania. I might be insane. Distinct possibility.
This is circular. Cyclical. Once you're in a circle, how do you get out? Going round a track you never reach the end. Now what....jump it? How? Or maybe you walk around and around and around until you've worn down the path and reached China? China is far enough away, maybe I'll go there. Scotland would be optimal though.
Maybe I'm just tired. Weary, worn down from constantly thinking about this. I want to leave this town. Skip the next two years, jump forward to the future I already have planned. This is just fluff. Unnecessary fluff.
Digression.
Love is a latent blood virus. First, you feel fine. Better even. But then the virus becomes active. It rips you apart from the inside. It hurts all over and doesn't fade. But what's the cure? Another, more powerful virus? What happens when that one goes active?
On track.
I want to get better. I really do. But I don't know how. I know I need to leave this town. I need to start again. I don't need to endure two more years I don't think I can.
Friday, October 10, 2008
A Theme Deviation
"Near To You" -A Fine Frenzy
He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back
Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back
Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Dear Swingset,
One day, your rusty chains will break and I will soar into the sky. Never to return, never to touch solid ground again. Until that day, I'll be a human pendulum beneath you, straining to reach the sky, praying to be swept up in a storm.
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