Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Dear Swingset,
One day, your rusty chains will break and I will soar into the sky. Never to return, never to touch solid ground again. Until that day, I'll be a human pendulum beneath you, straining to reach the sky, praying to be swept up in a storm.
My Dearest Lost,
You now truly embody your name. You are lost to me, possibly forever. No hope of redemption. I'll let this raging infection of love for you within me sleep. All I ever wanted from you was love. That's all I ever took. I gave you the love I had at the time, but you'll have to forgive my preoccupation. Maybe you ought to have taken that into account before diving off the cliff with me. I can provide what you wanted then, now. I merely need a chance.
You took my heart, my love, my sanity for a while. I would appreciate the first two back. The remaining wound cannot heal until those are back in my possession. I implore you to acquiesce to my simple request.
Tell me, where is the flaw? What severed you so completely from me? What sent you careening from me into her arms? You flipped my world upside down and left. Abandonment is your greatest sin. No...not the abandonment, your repeated resurgence and abandonment is worse. Never, never mistake yourself for a good person. Good people do not do things such as this. You're not a horrible person, but you are a far cry from being a good one.
For now, the virus you injected into me rests. I will wait, as I have always done. I wait while you chase after hopeless and not so hopeless crushes. I wait as you enjoy the flight you've embarked upon. I'll sit on the runway until you're ready to take me away. Please, don't be long. I may be swept up before you land. Whether it be another plane or a dreadful storm, I'll do my best to stand here for you.
You took my heart, my love, my sanity for a while. I would appreciate the first two back. The remaining wound cannot heal until those are back in my possession. I implore you to acquiesce to my simple request.
Tell me, where is the flaw? What severed you so completely from me? What sent you careening from me into her arms? You flipped my world upside down and left. Abandonment is your greatest sin. No...not the abandonment, your repeated resurgence and abandonment is worse. Never, never mistake yourself for a good person. Good people do not do things such as this. You're not a horrible person, but you are a far cry from being a good one.
For now, the virus you injected into me rests. I will wait, as I have always done. I wait while you chase after hopeless and not so hopeless crushes. I wait as you enjoy the flight you've embarked upon. I'll sit on the runway until you're ready to take me away. Please, don't be long. I may be swept up before you land. Whether it be another plane or a dreadful storm, I'll do my best to stand here for you.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A Fall
She took his hand in hers and jumped. The view was stunning. Colors swirled past in a roaring rush, mixed sensations tumbling through the air between them, forming thoughts shapes and figures neither had seen nor imagined before. They soared away from the cliff, the lightly marbled rock fading into the past. The joy the two shared was paramount.The glory they beheld in one another as they fell ever further and faster was unprecedented. The love...indescribable.
She took his hand and jumped. No second thoughts, no backward glances. Tightly, she held that hand, the hand that would become her protector, her lover, her hope and her reason. Grasping that hand she felt invincible and knew the ground would never reach her, and knew the flight would never stop.
She took his hand and jumped into the chasm, naivete leading the way. The beauty of raw feeling overcame logic and reason. A charming smile, and a gentle hold brought her to the cliff and the hands led her over.
She took his hand. She gazed into his eyes. Yet a shadow remained. A spectre of the past remained to taint the beauty, the spectre engraved into her skin. The hand she followed promised the spectre would never cause him to let go, only hold on tighter. He would never let go.
The hand lied. The hand released hers and grasped onto the cliff. It began to climb.
She hit the ground. The cold unyielding ground upon which lay thousands of bones, the remains of others who had fallen from the sky. She hit the ground and shattered.
Time inched by. And unbelievably, she began to heal and to climb. She climb up the sheer rock face with all the determination of a brigade of soldiers fighting for a true and just cause. The rock tore her hands and fingers rendering them bloody and worthless at times. Sometimes she would arrive at a ledge and sit to rest and think. Soon, she gained on him. The hands she sought with her mind body and soul were near once more. They sat upon a ledge halfway up. She reached for them, muscles straining with all of their might. Their fingertips touched and the girl fell. She squeezed shut her eyes and reached for the hand she knew would be there, she hoped and prayed would be there. And yet...there was nothing. She seized only air and fell to the bottom once more.
Climbing became more and more of a tribulation. Many times she came close, but the hands served only to tease her now. They came close and then jumped out of the way leaving her to fall once more. Her body was broken. A new spectre infested itself in her skin, making its mark. Her mind fared worse.
Many months passed and she was near the top of the cliff. Faces crowded 'round, encouraging her, giving her strength. She was weary and afraid. Afraid that should she reach the top, she might never see the hands again. She sat upon a ledge and pondered for a long while. She heard gasps from the crowd and looked up to see those lovely hateful hands holding a new set. The new set was damaged, she could see it. She saw him and knew he would let go of that one too. She fell again, still.
Tired of this cycle, she lashed out, giving herself over to rage that could not be contained. She latched onto the cliff face and ascended up with renewed fervor. At long last, gasping for air and longing for healing, she collapsed onto the soft grass at the apex of the precipice. Never again, she mumbled, never again.
She took his hand and jumped. No second thoughts, no backward glances. Tightly, she held that hand, the hand that would become her protector, her lover, her hope and her reason. Grasping that hand she felt invincible and knew the ground would never reach her, and knew the flight would never stop.
She took his hand and jumped into the chasm, naivete leading the way. The beauty of raw feeling overcame logic and reason. A charming smile, and a gentle hold brought her to the cliff and the hands led her over.
She took his hand. She gazed into his eyes. Yet a shadow remained. A spectre of the past remained to taint the beauty, the spectre engraved into her skin. The hand she followed promised the spectre would never cause him to let go, only hold on tighter. He would never let go.
The hand lied. The hand released hers and grasped onto the cliff. It began to climb.
She hit the ground. The cold unyielding ground upon which lay thousands of bones, the remains of others who had fallen from the sky. She hit the ground and shattered.
Time inched by. And unbelievably, she began to heal and to climb. She climb up the sheer rock face with all the determination of a brigade of soldiers fighting for a true and just cause. The rock tore her hands and fingers rendering them bloody and worthless at times. Sometimes she would arrive at a ledge and sit to rest and think. Soon, she gained on him. The hands she sought with her mind body and soul were near once more. They sat upon a ledge halfway up. She reached for them, muscles straining with all of their might. Their fingertips touched and the girl fell. She squeezed shut her eyes and reached for the hand she knew would be there, she hoped and prayed would be there. And yet...there was nothing. She seized only air and fell to the bottom once more.
Climbing became more and more of a tribulation. Many times she came close, but the hands served only to tease her now. They came close and then jumped out of the way leaving her to fall once more. Her body was broken. A new spectre infested itself in her skin, making its mark. Her mind fared worse.
Many months passed and she was near the top of the cliff. Faces crowded 'round, encouraging her, giving her strength. She was weary and afraid. Afraid that should she reach the top, she might never see the hands again. She sat upon a ledge and pondered for a long while. She heard gasps from the crowd and looked up to see those lovely hateful hands holding a new set. The new set was damaged, she could see it. She saw him and knew he would let go of that one too. She fell again, still.
Tired of this cycle, she lashed out, giving herself over to rage that could not be contained. She latched onto the cliff face and ascended up with renewed fervor. At long last, gasping for air and longing for healing, she collapsed onto the soft grass at the apex of the precipice. Never again, she mumbled, never again.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Dear Lost,
do you remember when...
you saw me crying and held me and shooed away the insensitive children
followed me to make certain I was safe
wrapped me up in your arms and we told each other stupid stories no one else would care to hear
rescued me from the edge and told me an important story
you listened
i told you an important story and you held my hand, softly tracing a pattern
you somehow deciphered what i was saying through my chattering teeth
you gave me the strength to do what i needed to
you drove around with me after i was finished working
we played the impossible quiz and almost won
you asked me out and i said yes
you were being clever and i was being stupid, but you got a kiss anyway so it didn't matter
we watched silly horror movies like 1408 and Dead Silence
we cuddled
we wrestled
you spent the night and we slept very little ;)
we said i love you and meant it
i kept you out late. a lot
i snuck out to be with you one last time before i had to leave for Washington
i worked so hard to be with you again
remember when...i wrote an important message that could change your mind, but unfortunately, i am a coward. and no one reads this because i don't let them.
Because...because I don't think you do...
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Dear Boy,
I am sorry. I am sorry you want to date me. Believe me, you really don't want to. No one's perfect, but I've got baggage. Too much for your innocent mind to handle. Your life has been easy. So....I don't want to say perfect but yours is close. I won't ruin that.
At the forefront of my refusal, however, is that I simply lack feelings of that sort for you. You're a fun guy, I enjoy being your friend, but I cannot imagine our friendship progressing beyond where it is right now. I've thought many times about dating you, it's been suggested often. I remember Stanton walking up to me in 7th grade and asking me out for you. Of course, I thought he was just being typical asshole Stanton and instigating an awkward situation. But, I remember seeing you bend your head down over your desk when I said no.
Four years is long time to have a crush on someone. I get the feeling that I'm your first crush. Please understand, first crushes generally amount to nothing. Mine did. From the time I noticed boys until the summer after 8th grade I had a crush on the same boy. Now, two relationships later and even before then, I no longer have any romantic feelings towards him. Things like that fade. If I just leave it be, let it be a crush, you'll recover from it with no lasting damage. If I start a relationship with you I will break your heart. I will be the worst thing to ever infringe upon your life.
Lastly, I'm simply not over someone else. It would not be fair to you in the slightest for me to attempt to date you whilst I'm still in love with someone else. You're a nice guy and there are plenty of nice girls out there who would date you and give you the love and affection that I simply cannot.
I apologize for any pain I'll cause you when I tell you this face to face.
Forgive me.
At the forefront of my refusal, however, is that I simply lack feelings of that sort for you. You're a fun guy, I enjoy being your friend, but I cannot imagine our friendship progressing beyond where it is right now. I've thought many times about dating you, it's been suggested often. I remember Stanton walking up to me in 7th grade and asking me out for you. Of course, I thought he was just being typical asshole Stanton and instigating an awkward situation. But, I remember seeing you bend your head down over your desk when I said no.
Four years is long time to have a crush on someone. I get the feeling that I'm your first crush. Please understand, first crushes generally amount to nothing. Mine did. From the time I noticed boys until the summer after 8th grade I had a crush on the same boy. Now, two relationships later and even before then, I no longer have any romantic feelings towards him. Things like that fade. If I just leave it be, let it be a crush, you'll recover from it with no lasting damage. If I start a relationship with you I will break your heart. I will be the worst thing to ever infringe upon your life.
Lastly, I'm simply not over someone else. It would not be fair to you in the slightest for me to attempt to date you whilst I'm still in love with someone else. You're a nice guy and there are plenty of nice girls out there who would date you and give you the love and affection that I simply cannot.
I apologize for any pain I'll cause you when I tell you this face to face.
Forgive me.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Dear Morris,
Why am I still here? I don't understand why I am still confined by you. I would give anything for a one way ticket out of this town. I feel...trapped. Everywhere, painful memories lurk in the alleys, parks, and corners. I want to escape them. Even among friends, where one would expect there to be naught but great memories full of fun times. They're there, but they don't show up. The best times were with those people in different places.
Two years ago I lost a piece of my heart to the Colorado Rockies. A month ago I lost yet another to Chicago. It wasn't just the location, it was the people there and everything we accomplished.
A couple of months ago and on numerous occasions since then I've had my heart torn asunder, snatched from my chest, tossed onto the frozen concrete where it lay there sobbing while an indifferent creature stood bye and gazed upon me with loathing. Undeserved loathing. Little did he know, most of it followed when he left.
So now I'm here. Gathering the few remaining pieces and locking them away, trying to start anew. Were it not for the persistent reminders of what we once had, I think I might have healed. The separation has been longer than the encounter.
Dear Morris. Let me go.
Two years ago I lost a piece of my heart to the Colorado Rockies. A month ago I lost yet another to Chicago. It wasn't just the location, it was the people there and everything we accomplished.
A couple of months ago and on numerous occasions since then I've had my heart torn asunder, snatched from my chest, tossed onto the frozen concrete where it lay there sobbing while an indifferent creature stood bye and gazed upon me with loathing. Undeserved loathing. Little did he know, most of it followed when he left.
So now I'm here. Gathering the few remaining pieces and locking them away, trying to start anew. Were it not for the persistent reminders of what we once had, I think I might have healed. The separation has been longer than the encounter.
Dear Morris. Let me go.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Dear Comfy Little Corner I Found,
Thank you for existing. Thank you for rescuing me from the hell that has become my home.
Why are things so difficult right now? I ask for simple, easy things, but they turn into huge overblown arguments where logic gets thrown to the dogs in favor of some meatier selfishness. I understand that everyone in my home is over worked, stressed, and ready to burst....but if we're all that way, why don't we just work on it?
Yes mother, you work 10 hour days. Believe me I do my best to stay out of your way.
Yes father, you don't have patience. Yes father you have a temper. Unfortunately father, I have that same temper. I've told you time and again, the angrier you get at me, the more sarcastic I become because I refuse to break down sobbing every time you raise your voice to unhealthy decibel levels. And I know, the more sarcastic I get the angrier you get. Vicious cycle, let's break it shall we? Just don't yell.
Yes Brenna, I don't like you. I never have. As to why I don't show you respect, you haven't earned it. Quit being difficult. I do more for you than you have ever done for me. I watch out for you, I spoke with your teachers to undermine your bully, and I don't complain about it. I simply do it due to my sense of duty. You are a blood relation to me. I don't like you, but I watch out for you, just like I would for anyone who asks.
I think you and I have a good relationship little corner. You isolate me. The silence is wonderful. In your silence, I find my peace.
Why are things so difficult right now? I ask for simple, easy things, but they turn into huge overblown arguments where logic gets thrown to the dogs in favor of some meatier selfishness. I understand that everyone in my home is over worked, stressed, and ready to burst....but if we're all that way, why don't we just work on it?
Yes mother, you work 10 hour days. Believe me I do my best to stay out of your way.
Yes father, you don't have patience. Yes father you have a temper. Unfortunately father, I have that same temper. I've told you time and again, the angrier you get at me, the more sarcastic I become because I refuse to break down sobbing every time you raise your voice to unhealthy decibel levels. And I know, the more sarcastic I get the angrier you get. Vicious cycle, let's break it shall we? Just don't yell.
Yes Brenna, I don't like you. I never have. As to why I don't show you respect, you haven't earned it. Quit being difficult. I do more for you than you have ever done for me. I watch out for you, I spoke with your teachers to undermine your bully, and I don't complain about it. I simply do it due to my sense of duty. You are a blood relation to me. I don't like you, but I watch out for you, just like I would for anyone who asks.
I think you and I have a good relationship little corner. You isolate me. The silence is wonderful. In your silence, I find my peace.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Dear Precalculus,
You make me cry and I really don't appreciate it.
This is my thought process in math class:
x=2 ok, that's not so bad
2x+1=3 still easy
y=mx+b not horrible...
y=(32x+5)/8 thank god for calculators
f(x)=g(x) WTF?
f(x)=x+1 and g(x)=2-x, so what is f(g(x)) :'(
x^5+34x^3-4x^7=? Make it stop please I beg you!!!!
x^2+6x+1>x^4-8 :'O what does this mean???
234x+654y^987+z^e= my head exploding.
Words>Numbers
PWN3D
This is my thought process in math class:
x=2 ok, that's not so bad
2x+1=3 still easy
y=mx+b not horrible...
y=(32x+5)/8 thank god for calculators
f(x)=g(x) WTF?
f(x)=x+1 and g(x)=2-x, so what is f(g(x)) :'(
x^5+34x^3-4x^7=? Make it stop please I beg you!!!!
x^2+6x+1>x^4-8 :'O what does this mean???
234x+654y^987+z^e= my head exploding.
Words>Numbers
PWN3D
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dear Reader,
Welcome to my blog on the vast blagosphere. I can't imagine what you googled to find it, but congratulations. I hope you enjoy reading all of the things I will never tell my friends, accomplices, coworkers, acquaintances, and family.
As to the title, well, I should think it's self explanatory. I write letters and then never send them to whomever they rightfully belong. Why? Well, I learned from experience that it does not help or change things the way I hope. I wrote a very long, heartfelt letter to someone whom I care/d very much about and it made no difference to them. And so, I decided to post the letters I write where anyone can read them if they so choose.
Hopefully, one of these may make a difference to someone, even if it's not in the way I expect or intend
As to the title, well, I should think it's self explanatory. I write letters and then never send them to whomever they rightfully belong. Why? Well, I learned from experience that it does not help or change things the way I hope. I wrote a very long, heartfelt letter to someone whom I care/d very much about and it made no difference to them. And so, I decided to post the letters I write where anyone can read them if they so choose.
Hopefully, one of these may make a difference to someone, even if it's not in the way I expect or intend
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